when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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