John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
