I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
