I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
