He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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