I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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