An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
