meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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