Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
