Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
