Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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