I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
