We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
