How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
