I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
