I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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