She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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