cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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