So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
