Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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