Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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