The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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