So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
