"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
