I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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