Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we're chasing vodka with high fives
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
