so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
