I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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