bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
