I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
