I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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