College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
