Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
