matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
