He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
