do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
