Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
