I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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