I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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