i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
