dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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