I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
