watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
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Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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