Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
