I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
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