Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
