My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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