new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
