apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
