you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
