Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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