i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
