I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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