I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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