I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
