I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
