Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
